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My Brother, My Killer PDF Print E-mail
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Written by Gisoreux de Ponthieu   
Wednesday, 14 January 2009
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My Brother, My Killer
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Chapter Three: All For One  

It took a long while before the young knight became accustomed to camp life. The luxury of having servants working for one is often overviewed. Weeks passed before Simon finally started to get the hang of repairing cloth or his hands to get used to an axe. Slowly he settled in a daily routine of waking at the first rays of sun, pray until the self-appointed cook, a cynic old knight by the name of Charles de Crenan, had finished making breakfast and he divided the remainder of the day over several chores for the common good of the fort, maintaining and repairing his armour and clothes and sparring with the other knights. It surprised Simon that most of them were fairly skilled in duel and horsemanship. Likewise Jean de Garlande may not have been the greatest of warriors but Simon liked him nonetheless: his wisdom was unrivalled and his tales entertained the others many a night by the campfire. Every once in a while he saw his own reflection of a few month ago as a new youth rode down to their camp to introduce himself to Nicolas to no avail of course. The only way to notice the passing of time in the camp was when Nicolas sometimes startled them by setting off, unnoticed and without a warning, to answer an invitation of this or that neighbouring lord. Though the living legend often visited the courts of the high nobility, he never lingered for more than a day and never joined in a joust for his own personal reasons. 

During the last month of spring as the days grew longer and the weather became increasingly more fair, he even got to know the man behind the legend. As Jean had mentioned, Nicolas was an amiable man who treated every single last of them as his peer. Even so; each time they got a chance to talk, Simon could not help but notice the tempered tone in his voice. Something was bothering him, this much was clear and if the others knew what they weren’t sharing, just like they wouldn’t tell him the meaning of his self-constructed chapel and to who it is devoted. Though Nicolas’ life had been eventful up to now –Simon knew all the tales by heart as did any young noble-, his adventures to this day had been void of any sadness or regrets so Simon could not discern what was bothering the legendary knight.  

“Do you know that this hill was once the site of a great battle between the corrupted of the false gods and our own forefathers?” Simon was sitting at the edge of the hill overlooking the plains when Nicolas asked him that question. Intrigued the young one quickly shook his head. “Where Louis the Young knighted the Repanse de Lyonesse? Indeed the muffled screams of the wounded still dominated the battlefield as she found herself facing her one and only love -albeit its personification of it. Tales tell of the radiant light she beamed over the plains as his sword touched her shoulders ever so lightly. The same light, I imagine, as Landuin carried in his heart as he rode in the presence of his peers. The Lady inspired them to true remembrance. Places like these are forgotten while the true heroes are the dead that made the legend worth to withstand time. I arrived here on my travels to see the chapel where once her bodily remains had been interred, cast asunder by time. Her remains were returned to a bigger tomb in Lyonesse but I discovered the grave that held many of her soldiers. Forgotten by all. I remember wondering whether every hero had such forgotten graves of corpses. The dead that are scattered around them and they died for a cause not their own. And still they don’t hold grudges. I think, that what makes a true hero, is not the great deeds sung in many ballads, but being a man who commands unquestioning love from those that follow him or her, even into death.”
“Do you believe yourself to be capable of such feats, sir?” Simon contained his curiosity as to the why he had given such a lecture.
Nicolas sighed but he did not wave the question away. “I know in my heart the Lady has made plans for me long before I was even born. The Repanse for instance learned of her calling at our land’s direst moment. I can tell you, young friend, that even knowing the will of our goddess doesn’t change that uncertainty takes root. Under the reign of pressure and nerves, she almost made a fatal mistake what now turned out into her greatest victory. If she had doubted and chosen poorly, we wouldn’t even be here discussing her. It is not easy to accept that there are plans over which you don’t have any control. Your life, a puppet in the hands of the mighty. Are you to be famous or scolded for your mistakes? People expect me to perform miracles every battle, every joust they bet me to win and swipe every lady off her feet. But when it comes down to it, I too can die on the other side of a sword, I too can feel pain when unhorsed and ladies still can choose to ignore me. I don’t feel chosen nor any more special than any other knight. Am I capable of being a hero this land needs? I don’t know.” He cast his eyes down.
“Milord, are you alright?”
“No.” The resolution behind that one simple word startled Simon. “I feel myself to be a prisoner of fate which I didn’t even get to decide. Sometimes drowning under pressure, pushing me ever under. You know: every noble I meet wants to defeat me in a duel, their lords want me to lead their army and train their sons to become me and the noble ladies of this land expect me to treat them as a goddess or worse. Afterwards there is no room for gratitude: no, I just played my part in this theatre. The only ones who truly are grateful for the aid I render, are the lowborn.” A silence lingered as Nicolas was struggling his own mind.
Simon decided to change the subject. “Is that why there are no commoners here?”
The question took him away from his doubts. “Yes, it’s the only restriction I have for staying here. I won’t let them have to give up everything back home to fulfil the whims and wishes of their masters.” Another silence ensued as the two men saw the grassy plains being tormented in the wind. Afterwards Nicolas smiled and said. “You are the first not to try to strengthen my resolve by advising me to stand tall, remain proud and take heart in the plans of the Lady.” Nicolas turned and vanished into the chapel, leaving his young peer to his thoughts. 

Once adapted to the life in the camp, Simon quickly rose up into the silent hierarchy of the knights. Even without the teachings of Nicolas, Simon’s skill with the blade surged by duelling and listening to the other knights. Finally it far surpassed the most skilled and even Nicolas came to admire his victories on the sparring field, standing on the top of his hill, with silent approval. It turned out Simon also had a keen sense for organisation and command as he successfully reshaped the camp to efficiency. The first among peers Simon came to be respected by the other and older knights. The nights were filled with the tales of Jean and the conversations with Nicolas. The latter seemed to open up more to his younger comrade, confiding in him. Slowly a bond grew between the personal guard of the living saint, a bond that exists only between those that live and serve together. Simon was proud to call them his ‘brothers’ as they meant more to him than his family back home.  

The days of the year passed, a summer of sweat and an unrelenting bitter winter of scarce game, practically unnoticed by the young knight, until the one year anniversary of his arrival of the camp arrived.
Simon had just stopped paying his respects to Her when Nicolas interrupted. “It’s been only a year and yet I see great changes. That annoying little tyke has sprouted to become a most agreeable young man.” Indeed, Simon had grown, his shoulders even defying his old armour. That youthful spark in his eyes had been replaced by the stern gaze of adulthood. Hours ride from the nearest castle, he had become used to his hair and beard being unkempt and untidy.

Nonsense, I am still that charming lad that arrived here. It is you who has changed as time has dulled your thoughts, old man.” Simon jokingly replied. This was also true: although the burden of destiny still tried to crush the knight, his temper had bettered over the months. Occasionally Nicolas had joined his guard of peers on their hunts and campfires, startling them at first but entertaining them later on with his own stories and knowledge of game. The band of brothers had noticed who had been mainly responsible for lifting the man’s spirits and were grateful for it, strengthening the bonds between the men.
“Even so, my friend: it is odd how time can soothe wounds and change minds. Maybe it has dulled mine but the result will be the same. You have learned much over this past year. On your own, relying on your own wit and skill. Your advances are impressive, especially since they are mostly self-taught and born out of talent.”
“Talent? I could barely lift a sword before I arrived here.”
“Let me finish. It is easy to blindly follow the words of a man whose hairs are grey and arms weak. In the end you know only a style which is not your own, which might not even suit you. No matter how well you’ve copied his moves, how many times you shall wield a blade or how great a warrior your teacher is, your skill with the sword will be flawed. That flaw can’t be corrected, not without a certain degree of talent. Even before I fled here, I rejected many a noble son because they lacked that. Your incessant sparring and learning of the others has increased your skill to a talent which I can help you perfect. If you’re still searching for my aid, I’m willing to teach you perfection.”
The offer shook Simon because he had put the apprenticeship long past him, wishing for no more than staying here with his adopted family and friends. Even so, his ambition now reared its head: the opportunity was too great. Yet his loyalty to the others won. “Why me? Why not one of the brothers?”
“They can’t.” Nicolas defiantly replied.
Headstrong as he was, Simon was not satisfied. “Why?”
“Because they don’t have the right will, skill or the age. Because you remind me of a youth I once knew with the same determination and the same amiable demeanour. More so; you make me feel like a humble human once more, your greatest gift to me, instead of the walking paragon of chivalry everyone else sees. A gift I intend to repay in the knowledge you seek.”
“You owe me nothing of such kind. This past year I have learnt more from you than my sixteen cycles before from anyone. For one I have consented in letting my desire not drive others.”
“Be that as it may, my offer still stands.”
“Then I’ll accept it. Lady knows, I’m more then up to it.” Simon jokingly added.
The sarcasm was lost on Nicolas that moment and he warned Simon. “Arrogance is the first step to greatness but drive it too far and at the end of that road you’ll find oblivion.” A disturbed look flickered across the grail knight’s face as he recognised the disbelief of the youth. “Trust me, I know the depths that can only be reached by ambition and zeal.  The wrong methods are still wrong even for all the right reasons. Now, these are my rules: first none of this leaves our trust. Agreed?”
“Agreed. No-one shall know.”
“ Second, we’ll have a weekly hunt just us two. A hunt to others, a lesson for us.”
“Just weekly? Won’t that hinder learning any technique you pass on to me?”
“Of course not, you shall be practising those in your daily exercises with the others with me as a silent overseer.”
“I shan’t disappoint you, trust me.”
“I’m sure you won’t but it still is a leap in the dark for both of us.”
Simon recognised the voice of doubt. “I’m sure you shall not fail me.”
“It is not you who I fear to disappoint.” 

Thus it had been agreed and thus it happened. Progress was slow, testifying to the difficulty of the tasks Nicolas set the young warrior. Over the months Nicolas shared many wisdoms and truths about the noble art of the blade.
“To be able to maintain a dance of swords, every swirl, thrust and feint must be efficient, saving your breath.”
“Balance is the key to any fight: use it and you’ll shall open the door to victory, lose it and you shall forever stand before a locked and cold door.”
“Many of the world’s monsters can withstand an awesome amount of pain before they start to weaken, more then you and I anyway: by gauging its every move and thus prepare your own to be lethal, one can survive such an encounter.”
“The elves have an inbred battle calm which makes them more capable in a duel. Stay focussed and train yourself to become an elf during battle. Even so our bodies are more hardened and fit for battle: our endurance makes us more resistant to pain. Be assured in the knowledge that what we don’t have, we can learn but what we do have, they can’t ever achieve.”
“Fighting the powers of corruption is worse than any other battle: every spawn of their horror-soaked world is a long and wearying nightmare in itself, one has to conquer your voice of fear every single time before being able to subdue your angst long enough to destroy it.” 

Three years had passed since Simon had ventured from the forests of Gisoreux and a strong friendship had grown between the two noble knights, born out of mutual respect and founded on their same love for their land. The skill of the adolescent with the blade had become as impressive and legendary as his mentor. Though the young knight’s swordplay was challenging to him, it did not rival his duel with the sword. As a master he knew his pupil’s every moves and abilities, turning it against him with the aid of his vast experience. Simon had no choice but to accept the seniority of his friend and instructor, even though it was a slight disappointment to him. Jokingly between the two of them they chalked it up to the extra boon of sipping from the grail. Despite their best attempts to cover his progress, it soon became clear to the other knights from which wind Simon’s improvement blew. Their hunting parties with just them two had already been a point of discussion and curiosity amongst their peers but when the young’s knight advancements became apparent, the truth was quickly discerned. Even so it did not change their undying respect for their appointed leader nor did jealousy turn the camp sour for his young charge. In fact Simon quickly became the camp’s leader based on the trust Nicolas invested in him. If there were those who coveted the young one’s position, they did not reveal so. Only once did the small brotherhood ride forth during those years in line behind their two captains. The arrival of the great champion of the land heartened the army who faced that green scourge of old. The waves of the greenskinned were beaten down, overturned, rallied and all but wiped out before the wrath of Bretonnia’s sons, a victory to rival the remembrance. Simon found himself in the thick of the fighting, piercing the brutish ranks of orc and their smaller kin, and finally defeated their warlord in an epic duel. His star was rising, his tale of legend born in that battle. Even so it marked the end of his youth. An urge was building momentum, a vocation that deeply burned passion into his blood: the Lady had her eyes on that promising knight, her calling an ethereal kiss that crossed the borders of the two worlds.  

One day, not long after that fabled battle, the mind of Simon was made up: his departure as swift and determined as his blade. The brothers would miss him but accepted his decision. Nicolas merely smiled: his approval -and more important his blessing- expressed in that trademark smile of his. Accounting the travels and adventures of the questing Simon is not a part of this tale as they feature in many a ballad and this tale is about their friendship. Far and wide his deeds and renown with the longsword travelled, strengthening the spirits of nobles and winning the hearts of fair damsels. His search lasted for a bit more than two years after which he returned home triumphant.



Last Updated ( Saturday, 31 January 2009 )
 
Discuss (6 posts)
My Brother, My Killer Jan 14 2009 12:17
This thread discusses the Content article: My Brother, My Killer

My orginally intended work for Imperial Literature competition, it was alas delayed after working on the night of the deadline for ten hours straight. It just grew on me and I kept adding extra storylines and characters. Personally I'm very proud of this one and believe it to be my best work to date.

It all started with a song.
Re:My Brother, My Killer Jan 31 2009 11:18
Okay, this has been bugging me for a while, since the piece is on the front page and all...

Back off on the adjectives, okay? There is such a thing as purple prose. No offense meant - I'm sure the plot is fantastic - but to be frank with you this is rather painful to read. Economy of language is something to aim for. A thought exercise: go through the first few paragraphs and strip out every redundant phrase. Let me demonstrate:
1) 'wretched existence of pain and misery'. People do not talk like that. It sounds ridiculous. I understand that you don't want it to sound mundane and boring, but it's more important that dialogue sound natural than flowery.
2) 'grating and deep voice'. Pick one adjective, strike the other.
3) 'sickening tent of bloody human hides'. Too long and unnecessary. If you want to play up the setting, take a sentence or two to devote to it specifically. Otherwise, forget it. The focus of the paragraph is on the character. Don't distract the reader with a kludgy phrase like this.
4) 'the kind only the corrupt gods could invoke'. Unnecessary. Strike the entire clause.
5) 'the turmoil of his warring pupil'. Strike 'warring' at the very least; probably strike 'of his warring pupil' entirely.
6) 'From within the cages of his former self it looked as if he was pleading for mercy'. What self? The perspective is unclear. Who are these selves? In any case, put 'cage' into the singular, to match 'self', and it would probably be better to avoid blanketly telling us what his behaviour looks like. We're reading it; we can judge for ourselves.
7) 'an end to all the torment'. It's implied. Strike the entire phrase.
8) 'really forevermore devoured by the corruption'. Strike 'forevermore'.
9) 'Shall I never again see that calming smile of his nor his gentle eyes?'. Yeesh, the characters even think in torrents of unnecessary adjectives.
10) 'granted by the fearsome power of pestilence'. Ideally strike the entire phrase. We can tell it's Nurglesque. Also strike 'grotesque' from the preceding phrase. You're describing them. We know they're grotesque. We don't need it all pointed out.
11) 'The one eye not overgrown by a sickly green pus, was bloodshot and dotted with darkish blue and purple spots, it most certainly held no gentleness.'. Use a semi-colon in place of the final comma. (God, does no one in the world know how to properly use commas and semi-colons? Professionally published and edited novels make this mistake too, and I'm bloody sick of it.) Also, as before, cut down on the adjective use and descriptive clauses.
12) 'shell of disease and despair'. Strike it. Use a single word instead.
13) 'by the righteous hand that was his'. Strike it. 'by his hand' is fine.
14) 'hidden beneath the layers of decaying flesh'. Strike it. You just described said flesh. We get it. He's got Nurglesque mutations. He's ugly.
15) 'So he did what every man would do, his hand stayed.' Another place for a semi-colon, though I'd just say 'and stayed his hand'.
16) 'Can a man find true redemption for his greatest sins?'. Don't just tell us the central theme so boldly. It smacks of treating the reader like an idiot. We can figure it out, if the story is good.

So that's just the first paragraph. I would single out the next sentence, though ('From the entrance of the fiendish pavilion a silent witness watched as the man she once loved lay at sword tip on the ground, the handle held by the man her heart now belonged to' as a good example of my general complaint, though. Use short sentences and don't overuse adjectives. (Also, semi-colons are your friends, and I don't think you know what 'pray' means. You make a heartfelt plea sound like a polite request.) In terms of content, the first paragraph boils down to 'the knight looks at his brother, who's wracked by Nurglesque mutation, and is conflicted about whether or not to kill him'. I'm not saying your descriptions should be so soulless and factual, but it is true that brevity is the soul of wit. There's no music to the language in this story. The core concept is decent and you have an impressive vocabulary, but it's put together, well, wrong. And since it's on the front page, it bothers me every time I see it, otherwise I'd just file it with the rest of the 95% of fan fiction that's crud and not read it.

It's just... try reading it out loud. Listen to the rhythm of it. This is not Eye of Argon bad, but it's doing basically the same thing to the poor, innocent words. Still, I will try to be constructive. Have you ever written any poetry, Gisoreux? At the least, sit down and read some Tennyson one day, or if prose is more your thing, try Tolkien. Focus not on the words but on the way they lock together. A good writer can make a sentence beautiful not because of any of the words, but because of the way they fit together.

I apologise if this is not what you wanted to hear, but it's been nagging me enough that I feel better getting it off my chest. As it stands, I tried to read further into it than the first two paragraphs just so my criticisms could be more informed, but I cannot make it past the first page. My mind refuses to read further. You are butchering the language. You can improve, but improvement starts with criticism.
Re:My Brother, My Killer Jan 31 2009 12:50
Fair enough. Criticism is exactly what I always want to hear (and thus I critise a lot myself if people ask for my opinion on their texts) for the reason you say yourself: to improve. I've read your comments with the text next to it and made some alterations. But I do not agree with all your bullet points (though you're right in my opinion about the part of what a good writer can and does: I'm no master linguist like Tolkien and I'll just have to live with that). As it is your prerogative to comment on my text (and again: I rather want some constructive criticism then just the one 'very good read' comment), it is mine to discard what I feel isn't justified.

You know where I think where most of our disagreements in language come from? The way different cultures experience and use language. I feel that English is well suited for average to long sentences with lots of participles. Also since my mother language is Dutch, I started off with a handicap in understanding the basics and connections of English (for instance: the semi colon to which you frequently refer is not as important in Dutch as it is in English so I tend the ignore the little bugger and use a comma).

  • I partially agree (and disagree): existence is too "heavy" for the sentence so I feel life might be better suited. Also I changed the places of 'misery' and 'pain'.

  • No: grating isn't deep nor is deep grating.

  • Fair enough: the tent in itself is described later on.

  • Actually I just changed 'could' in 'can'

  • I like the image spun from that.

  • Cage is singular now but the only other change I made, is replacing 'self' with 'life'.

  • Yes, you were absolutely right.

  • Struck 'forevermore' but because I feel its function is repeated in the next sentence

  • I broke up the sentence into two: one of his smile, the other for his eyes.

  • Actually since it is not implied before, I rather keep it but I do understand your point of view. Also I like grotesque and it should be used more often.

  • Scratched 'sickly' and trust you on semi colon.

  • The middle ground: 'by his righteous hand'. Especially since the sentence does not end there.

  • I actually erased the previous mention of disease.

  • Read the entire text and tell me whether I should change it then.


  • When I saw that you had replied, I knew that it couldn't be good. That'd be a first, you see. I thought you were gunning for me once again (also because I knew you'd never read fan fiction) but after reading your comments, I have to agree that most of them are valid for which I am grateful. I'll even change the first paragraph so every time you find your way here, your heart can be lifted a little bit as you can be proud to have made a repulsive story just a tad bit less so. And no, I don't poetry because I have a hard time finding that which suits and soothes my soul (Woodsworth is my favourite). And yes, I've read Tolkien, probably a dozen times over. As I said he is great linguist and world builder but in my opinion he isn't that good in putting down realistic characters (Boo! Hisss! Blasphemy!). If I want an example on how that is to be done, I prefer Murakami.

    You are exactly the critic I'd expected you'd to be: elitarian, arrogant and obsessed with his own superiority. And mostly you are right... but sometimes for all the wrong reasons: entertainment doesn't have to be art. You don't like my fiction just as I wouldn't like yours: we're worlds apart. Still thank you (I mean it) for reading the first two paragraphs and you're valid comments.
    Re:My Brother, My Killer Feb 01 2009 01:40
    As it is your prerogative to comment on my text (and again: I rather want some constructive criticism then just the one 'very good read' comment), it is mine to discard what I feel isn't justified.

    Certainly. Do as you will. I just thought I'd have a little rant.

    You know where I think where most of our disagreements in language come from? The way different cultures experience and use language. I feel that English is well suited for average to long sentences with lots of participles.

    That sounds like it to me. I've always found that good writing is either snappy or melodic. Either you make the point of the sentence quickly and get out, or you go for the music entirely. I feel that you were waffling on a bit too much, and using words you don't need. In my opinion, that detracts from the impact of the sentences themselves.

    Put it this way: most of the time a single phrase will be making a single point. In all but the longest sentences, the sentence is making one point, and that point is encapsulated in several key words. You want to make those key words stand out. It's a matter of emphasis, and the more the sentence goes on, the less prominence each word has. When you writer a sentence, only two or maybe three words at most are going to stay with the reader. Let's take this one as an example:
    'From the entrance of the fiendish pavilion a silent witness watched as the man she once loved lay at sword tip on the ground, the handle held by the man her heart now belonged to.'
    What are the key words in this sentence? What image do you want it to conjure up in the reader's mind? 'Silent witness'? 'Lay at sword tip'? 'The man her heart now belonged to'? The sentence is cluttered. Once I've finished reading the sentence, should my mind's eye be on the woman standing at the entrance, the man at swordpoint, or the man she loves? I can't imagine all three of them at once. If I walked into that scene in the real world, I wouldn't notice all three figures at once. That would be overwhelming, so my mind would focus on them one at a time. When I read a sentence (and, I imagine, when any English speaker reads a sentence), they read to the end of the sentence before stopping. The quoted sentence should be in three distinct sections. Try something like this:
    'A silent witness watched from the pavilion's entrance. The man she had once loved lay at the sword's point; the man she now loved, held the sword's handle.
    I don't want to give you strict instructions, but from my perspective as a reader, it's much easier if you break it up into bite-sized chunks.

    (for instance: the semi colon to which you frequently refer is not as important in Dutch as it is in English so I tend the ignore the little bugger and use a comma)

    English speakers do that too, the Philistines. It bugs me.

    When I saw that you had replied, I knew that it couldn't be good. That'd be a first, you see.

    Yes, well, I do have a reputation, don't I? It's much easier to criticise than praise. If I don't have anything to say but 'this is fantastic', I'll keep my mouth closed.

    And no, I don't poetry because I have a hard time finding that which suits and soothes my soul (Woodsworth is my favourite). And yes, I've read Tolkien, probably a dozen times over.

    Wordsworth? I actually feel that he has a tendency to go on for too long. I tend to think that a poem is best when it's trying to capture a single moment. A poem is an emotional freeze-frame. Haiku are a good example; incredibly brief, but if well written, can carry a great deal of emotional torque. My favourite poem at the moment is Tennyson's Ulysses (I know, I know, cliché, but it's famous because it's good), and it's about as long as I think a poem should be; and the entire thing is devoted to exploring a single feeling.

    As I said he is great linguist and world builder but in my opinion he isn't that good in putting down realistic characters (Boo! Hisss! Blasphemy!).

    Yes, blasphemy. You do not criticise Tolkien in my presence. In any case, I wasn't talking about his characterisation but rather his descriptive ability. Take something like this:
    And with that shout the king came. His horse was white as snow, golden was his shield, and his spear was long. At his right hand was Aragorn, Elendil's heir, behind him rode the lords of the House of Eorl the Young. Light sprang in the sky. Night departed.

    The main point I'd like to make there is to do with the length of his sentences. Look at how short they are. Similarly, look at how many descriptive adjectives he uses. Very few, and all of them are short words. Since I think the main problem with your story is run-on sentences and over-use of adjectives, Tolkien makes a fine counterexample.

    You are exactly the critic I'd expected you'd to be: elitarian, arrogant and obsessed with his own superiority.

    Ha! I'll take that as a compliment!
    Re:My Brother, My Killer Feb 05 2009 14:12
    I have to echo some of the comments above, and thank FVC for articulating my concerns so well.

    I have a brother who aspires to a writing career, and he has already written a novel (albeit unpublished). I have always been bothered by his work, and your work reminds me of his style.

    It's not, I must say, because either of you lack for good ideas, but because your writing seems too... busy, I suppose. It smacks of far to much effort, both to read and write.

    When I read things I enjoy, the words flow through my mind creating a series of complementary images. It's almost like watching television, really (only much, much better). In your story the images seemed to fight each other, and did not flow smoothly. I felt like I was stumbling rather than running, if you will forgive my over use of simile and metaphore.

    I think FVC has done a good job of explaining the technical side of "why" it's not working, but I would like to comment on one of your own comments.

    "No: grating isn't deep nor is deep grating."

    You have missed the point, I think. Nobody is trying to argue that these words are identical. It is simply that you have one chance to create an image in our heads that will last for the rest of the story, and you blow it by trying to do too much.

    I think a writer relies heavily on their reader's own experinces. Every person will have their own internal idea of what a "deep" voice sounds like, even though that idea will vary from reader to reader.

    With some adjectives, you can rely on people having an internal experience of a combination. I think that we all have an idea of what a "deep, gravelly" voice sounds like, for example. But when you use comibnations that are less certain, such as a "grating, deep" voice, we have to stop and try and work out how that "looks" or "feels". Best case, we do that and come out with a weaker image than if you had just gone with one word or the other. Worst case, we don't even bother, and your character has become voiceless.

    I hope that makes things clearer, but I suspect it doesn't. Like most traditions, though, the rules of language and writing have evolved for a reason, and the fact that we no longer teach people those reasons does not invalidate the power of the rule.

    For another writer that makes powerful use of brief, even terse, prose, try Hemmingway.

    -Silent Requiem
    Re:My Brother, My Killer Mar 05 2009 01:52
    Hail mighty Lord Giseroux of Ponthieu,

    I won't deny that I had great difficulty reading the opening of your story. There was a lot of distraction in your continuously flowery wordings, at least for me.

    But by the time Simon meets Nicholas at his chapel, your writing seems to have settled down and become far more natural and easy to read, in my opinion. I am genuinely enjoying the story now, I have progressed up to Simon's training during the hunting trips with Nicholas.

    It was a thrill to read the name of the revered Repanse de Lyonesse in your story. I have bought a copy of the old Bretonnia book so I can finally learn of the great heroine, I hope it arrives soon. I note Nicholas refers to her as -the- Repanse, how interesting! I can't wait to learn why.

    Please keep writing, you are certainly improving as you practice your craft, if my amateurish tastes can gauge talent at all.

    --- Sweet Saint Repanse smile on you!
    ----Gerard the Easterner


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